a change of plans

I don't even know where to start. It's been a while and so much has happened. Basically the point of this post is to ramble about how my post-mission life has not gone at all the way I planned. Mostly for me, but also for other people. A lot because I hate over-sharing on Facebook or other social media, and this is my place for my thoughts. Also, writing brings me clarity. So. Now that I've justified it sufficiently.

(Disclaimer: All statements below are expressions of opinion based on the time period about which they are written. I've received a lot of spiritual clarity since many of these and now consider them to be blessings in disguise, so if I sound bitter, please rest assured that I am currently loving my life and all of its unexpectedness.)

Let's start in September with the first plan that changed. I had been writing an elder from my mission who was just this fantastic individual and things were looking pretty positive. I figured I'd come home, date him but also date other people to make sure it was right, and, if all went the way I wanted it to, we'd end up together. Then I got home... And was terrified of dating. And lost all romantic feeling for anyone. It was like it was all too much for my system. After careful deliberation I broke the news to my elder and just... Tried to move on. I figured maybe the feelings I'd had would come back, or that I'd feel them for someone else, but they never did, to my marriage-hungry RM dismay. As often as I'd told people I wasn't ready to get married, I really did want it badly.

I went back to school in January after a difficult three months spent living in my parents' family room. I was convinced that moving back to Logan would be perfect and that everything would go the way I wanted it to. I'd find a boyfriend, I'd pass all my classes, I'd spend my weeks with my friends, I'd still be close to my friends from before the mission... Basically, it'd all be about me. I'm not sure at what point between Schipol and the Salt Lake City Airport I forgot that life isn't about me, but I did, somehow, and that was the biggest struggle this last semester - turning out. Helping other people instead of myself. Putting others (and God!) first. As I got lost in myself, the semester whizzed past, and I found myself taking finals and finishing projects. No boyfriend, no true social life, and few close friends, basically all for lack of trying. For lack of putting God in the first place and reaching out to those outside of myself.

As far as academics went, I felt confident. My grades were good. I knew I would pass every class, because I had worked hard to complete my coursework, and studied for tests. The week before finals week, I took a levels exam for music therapy. In order to start practicum and continue my music therapy courses in the fall, I needed to pass. I practiced, but probably not as much as I should have, and did not feel that it went well. However, I had not truly considered that I might fail, and found myself severely humbled the next day as I opened the letter that told me I would not be joining my classmates as they moved on, but would be required to take the exam again at the end of the fall semester.

A few months earlier I had applied and interviewed to be an EFY counselor, which is essentially my dream summer job. I heard nothing for months, and then when I finally did hear back from them, the answer was a no. It was hard. I debated staying in Logan and finding a job, but eventually decided to come home instead, something I hadn't really counted on as I hoped to be a counselor all summer. I couldn't find a job for weeks. When I finally did, it was part-time at a less-than-wonderful wage, but I decided to take it and look for a second one. I was offered a couple of others but none would work with the schedule of the job I already had or with school when it started back up, so I turned them down.

In all scenarios, I adjusted. I made the necessary tweaks to my plans and I moved on and life was fine. But honestly I didn't have a clue where the Lord was taking me with it all... Until about two weeks ago. I received a phone call asking me to come in to interview for an internship that I'd applied for at least a month prior. To be honest, I didn't even really remember anything about it other than that I'd applied, but I agreed to come in. I was invited back for a second interview, and the next week I was offered the position. The weird part? It goes through December, so I'll be living at home for the semester, taking classes online.

The only thing that truly worried me after accepting the internship was that my housing contract starts in August and goes to next August. I still plan on living up there starting in January, so I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to find anyone who was looking for a place for only fall. Lo and behold, my dear friend Kaycie sat next to a girl at church who was interested, and now she's taking it.

It's incredible to be able to see how God fits everything together so perfectly. Everything that would have prevented me from looking into this job was neatly pushed out of the way. If I'd been at EFY I wouldn't have applied for more jobs. Had I passed levels, it would have been harder to decide to stay home for the semester. I felt that I needed to come home instead of stay in Logan... And I didn't take any of the jobs that would have been more difficult to get out of in order to take this internship. I was able to figure out my housing contract.

I am so grateful to be reminded that our Heavenly Father is not only aware of me, but His hand is in my life DAILY. I am excited to see what else He has in store for me, and hopefully to eventually see why it is that I needed to get this internship. Basically... Just remember that God loves you, and is watching over you! Don't worry about how you think your plan is going. Just listen to Him. :)

a letter to meg johnson... in which i bear my soul

Meg,

My name is Kira, and I'm a student at Utah State (go Aggies!). I was fortunate enough to hear you speak this morning! I wanted to stay and talk to you but there was a crowd around you and I had to head to my next class, but I wanted to make sure that I contacted you anyway.

          This morning was rough. I had a hard time waking up so I pressed snooze and got as much out of that snooze as I could before forcing myself to roll out of bed. Once I got out of bed I realized that I was super sore from a workout I did yesterday, and I felt sick on top of that. I rushed out the door with very little food and was late to class. When I did get there, I had a hard time focusing. I had a presentation in my second class that I had to print something out for and it took a really long time, which stressed me out. I did well on my presentation but I got some intense constructive criticism from my professor and just felt... Heavy.

          By this time it was 11:35 and I was late to Religion in Life. I had a moment of "is it even worth going if I'm going to walk in late? I'll probably miss some of what the speaker says, too," but after some deliberation I decided that I really needed to go and get the pick me up that Religion in Life always seems to give to me.

          I biked as fast as I could, and on the way I thought about how worthless and small I've been feeling lately. I returned from my mission in September, and it's been a little bit rough finding the balance between pre-mission me and mission me to figure out who post-mission me really is... Satan keeps getting into my head and telling me that I'm no one's first choice, and that I don't have anything unique or even valuable to bring to the people who I am studying to work with (I'm a music therapy student). I get down on myself about not being diligent enough in my scripture study and prayers. About not sharing the gospel freely enough. I keep comparing myself to others and seeing how great they are at all the things I'm not so great at. I see all my friends getting engaged and married and having kids and graduating and moving on with life. And it hurts. Making time for a productive scripture study is much harder now than it was on my mission. School is hard. Being single is hard. Sharing the gospel without a name tag is hard.

via

         With all these thoughts racing through my head, I walked into the institute building just in time to hear the second half of the musical number. I found a seat next to a friend and pulled my notebook out, half-heartedly trying to prepare myself to be uplifted, but just feeling... Weak. Then you came up to the microphone and through you, the Spirit told me exactly what I needed to hear - That even if no one would choose me first... I am a daughter of a LOVING Heavenly Father, and the spirit sister of a LOVING Savior, and they love me FOREVER. That's not going to change, no matter how many people in my life come and go. If I allow Them to pilot my life by keeping Their commandments, they will take me to a place where I will be happier than I ever even dreamed of, and that makes everything along the way - turbulence and all - worth it.

         That was a really long story, but to sum it all up - thank you. I can honestly say that my life was changed today. Thank you for speaking with the Spirit. Thank you for being willing and excited to share your story. THANK YOU. It means the world to this semi-lost RM - just consider this message a long distance hug of thanks!

          Very sincerely,

                          Kira




AUTHOR'S NOTE/DISCLAIMER:
A few things have been changed from my original email to Meg, as there are still things I would not like to share with everyone. Please know that this is not a cry for help. This is me being real on my blog, and sharing how I've been feeling lately. It's pretty illogical because my life is really great. :) I'm doing okay, I promise. :) I'm even happy! It's just been a little rough lately.

If you take anything from this, just take that YOU are also a child of God, and He loves you unfathomable amounts, and that's really what matters most. He'll guide you if you let Him.

For more about the incredible, life-changing Meg Johnson, check out her blog right here.

mission

I'm know a little late to the "I posted something about general conference" party in the blogging world, but I have so much to say that I just didn't know where to begin, you know what I mean?
I guess I did mention it in my last post, but here's a little more on the subject.

Basically, this happened.

(if you would like to know what an LDS mission is, click here)

Well, at the time, my nineteenth birthday was in a little under a month.

I had wanted to serve a mission ever since I was a little girl.
Now, all of a sudden, it was upon me.

Well, after careful consideration, much deliberation, and probably even some perspiration (haha), along with daily phone calls to my parents, a plethora of prayers, and scripture study, I decided to meet with my bishop.

We talked the Tuesday after conference and he told me to diligently search for an answer that this was what I should do at this point in time, and to come back the following Sunday.
I fasted, prayed and read my scriptures more in-depth than I think I really ever have before. I met with advisors to discuss what classes I'd take when I got back, figured out how to get out of my housing contract for next semester, get my scholarship deferred, and file a leave of absence (everything works out marvelously).

On the 14th of this month, my bishop opened my papers.
Over the next few days I finished forms, uploaded relevant documents, went to doctor and dental appointments that my wonderful mother set up for me, and got everything as finished as I could.
Tonight, I met with my bishop again, had my friend Lexie take my picture with her awesome camera and skills, edited said picture, checked everything over, aaaand...

I'm done. It's out of my hands.

My bishop will send it to the stake presidency.

Hopefully I'll get a call in the next few days to set up a time for an interview with a member of the stake presidency.

After the interview, my stake president will send my forms on to Church Headquarters in Salt Lake, where the Quorum of the Twelve will review them and decide where I'm going.

I could have a call in just a few weeks.

I'm going on a mission. This is happening.

I AM SO EXCITED.

I shall keep y'all updated.

a few things

Mmkay this is going to be quick, but there are just a few things I would like to share -

1 - There was no Dear Boys this week for a reason. That reason is that I read over my previous ones and so many of them (especially last week's) were absolutely cocky and ridiculous and rude. For that I apologize. I am changing my anonymous ways. From now on I'll be nice.

2 - If you're my friend on Facebook, or my friend in real life, you know that due to a very large announcement made in general conference, combined with feelings and desires and promptings I have had my entire life, I am filling out paperwork to serve a full-time LDS mission (if you are hopelessly confused, learn more about them here)! I am beyond excited, which is illustrated nicely by the fact that I started my papers Sunday night and have now completed them except for a picture of me and a picture of the back of my Driver's License. I went to the doctor and dentist yesterday and all is well! Anyway, I shall write more on that another day, and will keep y'all posted on the when and where and such. :)

3 - Two more days of Lagoon! Two more weeks until my birthday! Three midterms next week! No Halloween costume as of yet, but working on it.

Ummm I think that's it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand BREAK!

pushups and donuts

I had heard this story a couple of times before today, but I heard it again at my friend Daniel's mission farewell and I decided I really wanted to post it on here. It's kind of cheesy but I honestly don't care - It gets the point across wonderfully. I'll talk more about it in the next couple of days!

Brother Christianson taught Seminary. He had a open-door policy and would take in any student that had been throw out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went to Brother Christianson’s class.

Steve was told that he could not be late, so he always arrived arrived on time but never more than just one second before the bell would ring. He would always sit in the very back of the room and was always the first to leave after class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Brother Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, “you think you’re pretty tough, don’t you?’

Steve answer was “Yeah, I DO.”

Then Brother Christianson asked, “How many push-up can you do?”

Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”

“200? That’s pretty good, Steve,” Brother Christianson said. “Do you think you could do 300?”

Steve replied, “I don’t know… I’ve never done 300 at a time before.”

“Do you think you could?” Brother Christianson again asked.

“Well, I can try, “ said Steve.

“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,” Brother Christianson said.

Steve said “well… I think I can… yeah, I can do it.”

Brother Christianson said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren’t the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited, after all it was Friday, and this was the last class of the day. They were ready to get an early start on the weekend.

Brother Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, “Cynthia, do you want a donut?” Cynthia said, “Yes”

Brother Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, ”Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Cynthia can have a donut?”

Steve said “sure” and he jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Brother Christianson put a donut on Cynthia desk.

Brother Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,”Joe do you want a donut?”

Joe said, “Yes!” Brother Christianson asked, ”Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?” Steve did ten pushups. Joe got a donut.

And so it went down the first aisle, Steve did ten push-ups for every person before they got their donut. He went down the second aisle, until Brother Christianson got to Scott.

Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When Brother Christianson asked, “Scott, do you want a donut?”

Scott’s reply was, “well, can I do my own push-ups?”

Brother Christianson said, “ NO, Steve has to do then,”

Then Scott said, “Well, I don’t want one then.”

Brother Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, “would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have a donut he doesn’t want?”

Steve stared to do ten pushups, Scott said” HEY! I SAID I DIDN’T WANT ONE!”

Brother Christianson said, “Look, This is my class room, my desks and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk.” And he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by his time, Steve had begun to slow a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took to much effort to get up and down. You could see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Brother Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.

Brother Christianson asked Jenny, “Jenny, Do you want a donut?” Jenny said “NO.”

Then Brother Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten pushups. Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say “NO” and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was beginning to put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweet on the floor beneath his face, his arm and brow were beginning to get red from the physical effort involved.

Brother Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn’t bear to watch Steve work for all those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Brother Christianson started down the fourth row.

During his class some more students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the side of the room. When Brother Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to get worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Brother Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Brother Christianson, “Do I have to make my nose tough on each one?”

Brother Christianson thought for a moment, “well, they’re your pushups. You can do then any way that you want.” And Brother Christianson went on.

A few minutes later, Jason came to the door and was about to come in the room when all the student yelled, “NO! Don’t come in! Stay out!”

Jason didn’t know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, “ NO, let him come in.”

Brother Christianson said, “You realize if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him.”

Steve said, “Okay.”

And Brother Cristianson replied, “I’ll let you get Jason out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?” “Yes.”

Steve, will you do ten pushups so Jason can have a donut?” Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, Bewildered was handed a donut and sat down.

Brother Christianson finish the fourth row, then started on those seating on the heaters. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift him self. By this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls were cheerleaders and very popular. Brother Christianson asked, “ Linda, do you want a donut?” Linda said very sadly, “no, thank you.”

Brother Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, Would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn’t want?” Grunting from the effort, Steve very slowly did ten pushups for Linda. Linda got her donut.

Brother Christianson turned to the last girl, “Susan, do you want a donut?” Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, “Brother Christianson, Can I help him?”

Brother Christianson said with tears flowing down his own face, “No, he must do it all alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?”

As Steve very slowly finished his very last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, after having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Ending:

Brother Christianson then turned to the room and said, “And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, after completing all that was required of him, Pleaded to the Father, ‘Into thy hands I commend my spirit.’ Collapsed and died on the cross. And so many in the world, like us, leave this special gift on the desk, uneaten.”