be here now

I can't even count the number of times that I have started a post and stopped because I forgot or ran out of time or something in the last few weeks... I guess that a lot of that is because the things that have been on my mind lately are pretty personal.

I'm a little bit all over the place recently - School is hard, but it's awesome. Friends are fantastic. Dating is... Dating. I've been struggling to have good, effective scripture study, and that really frustrates me.

Honestly, I feel like sometimes I am failing as a returned missionary. There's so much that I learned out in the mission field that I should be so much better at applying. And while a lot of that comes from Satan (see my last post on that here), there's definitely also truth in there.

In institute on Monday we started talking about how we are accountable for our time. I am extremely guilty of wasting time. I spend hours on social media sites and my cell phone. I put off studying my scriptures, studying for my classes, spending time with the people I love... It's really dumb. Especially because I know better. Preach My Gospel (essentially the missionary handbook, you can find it online here) encourages missionaries to use their time wisely. In fact, the apostles and church leaders who wrote Preach My Gospel considered it so important that they wrote an entire chapter on it (chapter 8!). So... I spent 18 months learning more about that, and trying my best to be better at using my time.

I am decidedly against making resolutions solely for that it's a new year, but I think it's about time that I do make some goals for this year. These goals are things I've thought long and hard about, not just things I thought up because oh look, it's 2015 and I should jump on the resolution bandwagon. I find that those things don't generally end up getting done. However I think it's super important to make heartfelt, serious goals! Goals help us to progress. Elder M. Russell Ballard once said:

“I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don’t set goals in our life and learn how to master the techniques of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential. When one learns to master the principles of setting a goal, he will then be able to make a great difference in the results he attains in this life.”

One of the many useful things I learned on my mission is that an unwritten goal is just a wish. So... I'm going to write my goals down. I won't write them all on here, but I would like to share one.

With this goal comes a story. About a month after coming home from my mission, I started attending my local Young Single Adult (YSA) ward (church unit) in Bountiful. The first week I was there a young man spoke (we don't have clergy that give sermons in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - members of the congregation take turns giving "talks") who was leaving on his mission that coming Wednesday. He encouraged us all to remember to live in the moment, and shared a story of his choir teacher at Westminster who always told his students to leave their other commitments and worries outside of his room, and to "be here now."

Those words penetrated my mind then, and continue to regularly do so again and again. They pop up in my head often - generally when I'm not focused on where I am or what I'm doing - and I am brought back to the present. Not past experiences or future plans, but here and now. I think that it's so important to reflect on experience, and it's definitely also important to make plans, but it's just as important to live and enjoy what's happening right NOW. I'm making a goal to do just that. To be thankful for the present. So if nothing else... I will strive to do that this year!

who do you think you are barging in on me and my guitar?

So for my major, I have to learn to play the guitar.

I have always wanted to, so I was pretty much ecstatic when I found out that Music Therapy required it, because that meant I had to learn! It meant that I would have to practice in order to pass my juries and graduate and do the things that I want to with my life.

I got a guitar for Christmas 2009... 2008? Wow. I don't completely remember. I think it was 2008.

It was the only thing I asked for, and the only (big) thing that I got that year from my parents. I hadn't actually expected to get it - guitars are expensive.

So when I walked up the stairs and saw it sitting there gleaming in all of its beautiful, polished, acoustic glory, I was sooo excited.

I resolved to learn to play it over the next year...

By the next New Year, I had learned a total of 3 chords. And forgot what they were because I only played every few months... It was a fail.

I, again, resolved to learn to play it over the next year...

October came. I went on campus tours to the schools that I planned on applying for.

Pause here, for part of a different story. :)

Utah State was on the list, though at the time I knew I was going to BYU - it had always been my dream.

I visited USU campus on October 21st (creepy, right? Why do I remember that?) and, as part of my tour, I met with an advisor in the music department. I didn't know anything about Music Therapy at the time, but it sounded interesting, so I asked about it.

As soon as I stepped onto campus, I felt like it was where I needed to be. However, after Karlee told me about Music Therapy, I knew why. 

I had the strongest prompting that it was what I was meant to do.

So I finished my Utah State application and began preparing for the hardest and most important audition of my life.

But that, as I said, is part of another story, which I may just have to tell some other time. :)

For that audition, I had to sing a song whilst accompanying myself on the guitar. This sounded nothing short of terrifying to me, but I was determined to do the best that I could and nail the audition, so I started looking at songs that were relatively easy.

I settled on Scarborough Fair (the Simon and Garfunkel version), because the easy version only had four chords, and only three without the G chord, which I ended up cutting out because transitioning between chords was already intimidating enough for me without using one that was far away (or so I thought then) from the other chords I was using.

I practiced and practiced and got super excited when I got calluses.

Then I went to my audition.

Played the song as part of it.

Went home.

Did not look at my guitar for a month.

It really was horrible of me. I just keep thinking about how much better I could be by now if I hadn't stopped.

Anyway, I took guitar lessons last semester, and did the bare minimum to get through them. I rarely practiced, and when I did, it was only once or twice a week. 

I was lazy and fail-tacular.

This New Year, I made a new resolution - Learn a least 20 songs on the guitar by the end of the year. I'm getting to know myself better and realizing that specifics are key for me.

It seems to be working! This semester started up, and I don't know what did it, but I had this unceasing urge to play. So... I don't really have to motivate myself to play ever, because I just want to. 

It is the greatest feeling to just sit and play.

There are so many reasons that I love to play the guitar, but I think that the top five would have to be:

-Listening to the gorgeous sound that comes out of my gorgeous instrument.

-The feeling of calluses forming on my fingertips

-Finger picking and feeling like a boss

-Singing as I play

-Learning a song that I already loved and gaining a new, different kind of love for it

Now there are days when I do almost nothing but play my guitar.

I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to learn and the knowledge of music that I do, so that I can make sweet music with that beautiful instrument.

Often it's hard not to feel inadequate with all of the talent around me up here, but whether I'm an incredible musician or not, I am so blessed, and so grateful for all of the music in my life, whether it's listening to it, singing it, playing it on the piano, hearing it in the world around me, or, now, playing it on my guitar.

Someday I'll post videos of my playing the guitar. Until then, just know how deeply I love it. :)

I'll be keeping track of my 20 songs on here, and posting videos of them after I've done learnt them! If you have suggestions, please don't hesitate to tell me. Y'all rock!